"He has to be more and more alone, if he is going to "get on". He will have, probably unconsciously, to oppose the ethos of the hearth, the intense gregariousness of the working-class family group. Since everything centers upon the living-room, there is unlikely to be a room of his own; the bedrooms are cold and inhospitable, and to warm them or the front room, if there is one, would not only be expensive, but would require an imaginative leap - out of tradition - which most families are not capable of making. There is a corner of the living-room table. On the other side Mother is ironing, the wireless is on, someone is singing a snatch of a song or Father says intermittently whatever comes into his head. The boy has to cut himself off mentally, so as to do his homework, as well as he can." - Hoggart, Richard. The Uses of Literacy. Chapter 10 ; Rodriguez, Richard. The Achievement of Desire
Being in Los Angeles for 4 days really was a wake up call for me. I am more excited and motivated than ever to finish school here in California and move out of state, whether it be to Colorado Springs or somewhere else. I miss being on my own, doing my own thing, not worrying about anyone but me. I'm ready for adventure, for road trips, for learning to snowboard, so many things. I want to live my life and can't wait for the next nine months to roll around! The times are a'changin. =)
Sometimes I feel like I'm serving time in prison by living with my family. I'm not sure how much longer I'll be able to do it. I have to sleep on the couch, with earplugs in because nobody knows how to respect someone's whose sleeping. While trying to do my homework the television is on, there are multiple people around the house talking as loud as possible, not even realizing (or caring) that I have to study or read. There's no privacy in this place. I am living out of a dresser, a few things in my brother's closet, and a backpack. I never know where any of the things I need are, they're either thrown away or shoved in a drawer somewhere. I just can't wait to live alone again, to move away and NEVER look back. I want to cook my own foods, and drink tea in absolute silence without ever being disturbed. I miss being able to walk around my house naked or listen to music whenever I'd like. Truer words have never been spoken, I am counting down the days until I'm gone forever.
Today I packed all of my belongings and left. We have mutually agreed that we both need things that the other can't provide and that's okay. We're different in many ways which made us perfect and imperfect at the same time. Not all people are the same, not everybody is social, going to dinner parties, and not everybody likes sitting home every night drinking tea. I have learned and believe that the expectations of this or any relationship should be clearly defined and talked about frequently so nobody is left in the dark.
Over the course of the next couple of weeks I will be starting school, 15 units this semester, and working at the same time. That in itself gives me no time for anyone and the last thing I would want to do is neglect someone, become frustrated, and end things on bad terms. We are still friends, at the least. I believe we have both grown from this experience and have learned a lot about each other and ourselves. I, also, aspire to continue to learn and grow from my experiences from now on and not perceive them as negative. <3
I want you to accept me for who I am, what my history and past has made me, and who I will be in the future. If only you knew the reasons I am so negative at times. At the moment I am torn between 1) staying here, being near my family who I want to get away from, possibly being on a waitlist for nursing for 2 years, but being with you. The other option being 2) Move to Washington/Colorado, go to a better school, pay more per unit, not be anywhere near my family which would make me happy, starting my life the way I should, but not having you anymore. On most days I am leaning towards the latter, until the end of the day comes around and I am laying next to you in bed thinking I never want to be without you. When I am angry, it is really because I am sad but don't want to show it. I can't help but think what it would all be like without you. A year from now we will know exactly which path I choose, I look forward to it, and fear it all the same.